2 months ago, today, my life changed forever
2 months ago, today, I fell in love in an instant
2 months ago, today, I heard an angel cry
2 months ago, today, I saw angel eyes
2 months ago, today, I watched my husband become a father
2 months ago, today, my world stood still
2 months ago, today, my heart grew and
2 months ago, today, I lost a chunk of it.
That first month went by so much faster than this one. I've been back to work for 2 weeks (part-time) and today was my first full day back. You would think going back to work would make the time go by, but that's not the case. I've never "enjoyed" walk-ins mainly because it's awkward compared to my already-established clientele. I have to say, I enjoy those newbies now! They never knew I was pregnant, so I don't get knots in my stomach wondering if they know or not :)
That song "I Will Carry You" by Selah (I think I mentioned it in a journal) has been stuck in my head for 2 days. If I didn't have such a terrible voice, I would sing it all day long! It's like a broken record in my brain...over and over. A few of the lyrics stand out now..."There were photographs I wanted to take...things I wanted to show you"..."I will carry you, all my life"..."I will carry you, all your life". I carried him all his life and now I'll carry him in my heart for the rest of mine.
I wanted to write a letter to Tyler on his due date, but just couldn't do it. So on my way home from the gym tonight, I decided that it was time. I'm going to write a letter to my son. Didn't happen. I'm not sure why, but I'm scared. Maybe I'm scared I won't stop. There are so many things I want to say to him and I know that if I don't get them ALL out, I'll feel guilty. That's the feeling on the forefront these days...GUILT. At least it's not regret...that I can't handle. I feel guilty for going back to work, having lunch with a friend, going to Wal Mart by myself, taking a long bath, even sleeping through the night. It sounds stupid, but those are all things I wouldn't be doing (or doing as often) if Tyler was here. After I got out of the bath tonight, I got Tyler's lavender baby lotion out of the "Tyler box" and used that before bed. I noticed how much his hands looked like mine and how soft his skin really was...how absolutely perfect that little boy was...making it harder to understand why he's not here with me. Why I can't rub that lotion on HIM. Why I'm not giving HIM the bath.
I never have to wonder anymore what an angel looks like.