But with this new year, comes a new beginning. This is Keira's first new year. Her first "fresh start". Not that it was very fresh with 2 ER visits and diagnosed with pneumonia...but the meaning is there nonetheless. I was reminded (yet again) how precious life is when she was in the hospital. There was nothing life-threatening, but this momma's heart was torn wide open. Knowing she was in pain and miserable broke.my.heart. I've never cried during her shots and I've had to take her by myself every time. The second ER visit was worse. By 100 times. I was bawling, literally sobbing. I wanted to punch the dr's in the face, wrap Keira in a blanket and run out of there as fast as I could. I know most parents can relate to this (or will be able to one day) but imagine that feeling when your baby has died. Imagine for a moment how intense that feeling would be. It's worse than that. During all of this, I kept thinking to myself, "You'd think after losing Tyler, a little pneumonia wouldn't be a big deal..." but that is NOT the case. I knew Keira wasn't going to die. I knew she would be fine. Maybe I'm more sensitive now...who knows. All I know is that it was scary and awful to see her cry like that.
I keep getting off topic here. I love my children more than anything but it is a daily struggle to miss one and care for the other. And I know it will only get more complicated when another one comes along. I often wonder where Tyler will fit into that equation. I struggled with how Tyler and Keira would fit into our family. Tyler is obviously our first, but Keira is the first we raised so in a lot of ways, she IS our first. Not that anyone else can call her my first. Nothing like pouring salt into a wound. I don't think the family dynamic will be as much of an issue next time, but it's something I wonder about. All of that to say, 2012 will be a good year. It has to be. Keira is happy and healthy (meaning no serious health concerns), we have a beautiful new home we are enjoying immensely, making tons of new friends, we are blessed with good health...our blessing our abundant and I am focused on being a positive person this year. 2011 was filled with anxiety, uncertainty, loneliness, discontent, very little sleep and some undiagnosed post pardum depression. This year WILL be different. I can't live like there is no tomorrow because in all likelihood, there WILL be a tomorrow and I can't live in yesterdays burdens. My reason behind seizing the day was fear. Fear of tomorrow. Fear of no tomorrow. Fear of missing something I "should" not miss. That is no way to live and I won't do it any longer. I will carpe diem, but by my own standards. I will seize the opportunities I have today just because they are there, not for fear that they won't be there tomorrow. I will enjoy my little love moments with Keira because I want to, not because everyone and their dog has told me to because "they won't be little forever". I don't want to live in fear of regret. I think that regret is the worst feeling in the world, but I won't take every step with that thought in mind. Maybe this is more about finding myself as a mother (a much harder struggle than I imagined it would be), but I'm trying to turn over a new leaf. And I won't be afraid to ask for help, even if it is for a small prayer. Speaking of which, anyone reading, will you take a moment to say a prayer for our family. Health and happiness is all I ask. We're not really lacking either, but a person or family could always use more of it.
What do you look forward to in 2012 and what are you happy (or sad) to leave behind in 2011?