4 months from now will be a whole year. At 4 months after having Tyler, I BAWLED at the thought of having more children. I didn't think I'd want to ever try again. I couldn't...DIDN'T want to imagine carrying a child for 9 months of agonizing uncertainty. Now, 4 months until his birthday, I smile at the thought of making him a big brother. The world didn't stop turning just because we lost Tyler and I wanted time to stop. The plan has always been that we would have to let him go, we just didn't know it until August 24, 2009, 11 months ago. I've been through many chapters of my life in this short year...I hope the next ones are a little easier on my heart. But I have high hopes.
Last month, I had the lowest number of views on this site that I'd had in over a week (I think it was closer to all month!). Yesterday, there were 38 views...how sad. Today...248!!! Whoever is still reading-THANK YOU. This has been the one place I never feel guilty or think twice about talking about Tyler. I can't show him off like everyone else gets to show their kids off. I can't update people on what he's doing, or what developmental stage he's at. All I have is a memory and if you're still reading, you're keeping that memory alive and I love you for it. It's amazing to look back at my first blog...if you don't remember, go back and read it. That was probably my deepest low. I felt like I was desperately grasping at something that wasn't there. Like I had lost my damn mind! If I hadn't just had a c-section, I probably would have gone out for a long run. I used to do that in high school when I was pissed. I'd throw on my running shoes and go...before I knew it, I was a mile and half away from the house and exhausted. I felt like I solved the world's problems in those runs. I needed that escape that night...that morning at 3 a.m. But running isn't going to make my heart hurt any less and sure as hell won't make Tyler come back. A good run doesn't solve everything.
4 months from now will be a whole year. At 4 months after having Tyler, I BAWLED at the thought of having more children. I didn't think I'd want to ever try again. I couldn't...DIDN'T want to imagine carrying a child for 9 months of agonizing uncertainty. Now, 4 months until his birthday, I smile at the thought of making him a big brother. The world didn't stop turning just because we lost Tyler and I wanted time to stop. The plan has always been that we would have to let him go, we just didn't know it until August 24, 2009, 11 months ago. I've been through many chapters of my life in this short year...I hope the next ones are a little easier on my heart. But I have high hopes.
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Our trip to Montego Bay, Jamaica was awesome. We got back a week ago, but I've been in denial...I didn't want to come home! We had great flights (only 1 layover) and decent weather. There were a few rough Tyler moments, but much less than if I was at work, so no complaints. I tried not to let myself dwell on the fact that we wouldn't have been there if he were still here, but those thoughts creep in no matter what I want. We also bought this ADORABLE little carved, wooden chair that I am just in love with. I'll post a picture instead of trying to describe it. We made ourselves have fun and we definitely did. It was nice to get away from our everyday routine and just enjoy each other. I think we needed that more than either of us realized. Since I got pregnant over a year ago (wow!), we haven't focused much on just each other.
For mommas who are going through the stormy part of this journey, keep your chin up. I know people say that all the time, but if you don't, you'll miss the "fun" stuff. I can't say that I took for granted a single thing while I was pregnant, but I still miss it so much. I wish I could say different, but it's a hard and painful road. Being pregnant, bonding, feeling movement and even the diagnosis is all part of who your baby is and it's our job as mommies to enjoy and embrace it. Other than the actual goodbye (rip my freaking heart out), the second hardest part of this journey (for me) has been being true to myself. I had to dig down deep to find the absolute worst feelings imaginable and come clean to myself about them. I had to be honest with myself and say these are my feelings and this is why. It sucks. And there are bitter times when you are angry. I was mean, spiteful...actually wanted bad things to happen people. I can look back and see how ridiculous that was, but it was a phase and it passed. I had to go back to kindergarten and tell myself, "Brittany, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." I bet the people closest to me can guess when I went through that stage. I got quiet and I wanted to be alone....A LOT. Whatever feelings YOU are feeling, it's okay. Find somebody to that understands these feelings (I'm totally willing to be that person!), and let it all out. I found (again, this is just me, every person is different) that hearing myself out loud, helped me work through much of those extremes. When I heard myself say that I practically wished bad things on others, I immediately felt terrible. That's not fun either, but it ultimately helped because I got the "angry" and the "guilt" out of my system all at once! :D A quote that got me through those stages is "This too shall pass". I remember sitting in my living room with Jim, watching TV and just thought, "Here we are, watching TV like we always used to but now we know that our baby is going to die...." I could not FATHOM the idea that in a few short months, we were going to be in that same position, only I wouldn't be pregnant and our baby would have died. 8 months of pregnancy and an empty house except the dogs. But this too shall pass and in a few years, we'll look back again, and the pain will be less. I also forgot to mention: The picture in Tyler's name gallery with the pyramids is in Giza, Egypt with the Great Pyramids in the background. There is an Egyptian saying that is carved on the walls of many of the royals' tombs that read, "To speak the name of the dead is to make them live again." Thanks again, Sheyenne! You can read about her angel at www.whitneyjill.com |
Brittany ClarkI'm blogging in hopes of reaching out to other parents who have to face the most heartbreaking experience in life. Archives
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