As far as confessions...*sigh* October was rough. There are a million and one reasons why, and I don't really want to relive them all here, but it just was. The beginning of November hasn't been much better. I've done very well in the last year about not dwelling on the milestones Tyler would have been accomplishing, but I've taken a few steps back. The interaction, how much he'd be moving around (if not WALKING!), his personality...and his first birthday party. A friend of mine made a very good point about anniversary dates. Why does the 26th of every month sting a little more than any other day? Why was Thursday, August 26 especially painful? Why have I been dreading November and Thanksgiving for months? Because when those dates mark a positive experience, they are celebrated. If there wasn't so much emphasis on DATES, the sad ones wouldn't be as hard either. Regardless, they just are. So what do you do for a death? You certainly don't throw a party. "Come on over and have some cake and ice cream while we celebrate the DEATH of my child!" Uh, no. So again, it all comes back to what I'm missing out on. A child turning 1 year old is such an amazing thing! How different they are from just 1 year earlier. How different they'll be in another year. But I'm stuck. My "baby" will stay that way forever but I don't get to HAVE him here. I have a feeling that no matter how many children I have, I'll always consider him "my baby".
Which brings me to my next confession. Tyler is officially a big brother. His little sister Keira Brielle is due the end of March. This pregnancy has gone very much the same as Tyler's had up to this point. Very little nausea (although it lasted longer this time), food cravings and aversions have been similar, weight gain (and loss) is about the same as well. But almost 2 weeks ago we had the "big" ultrasound - the anatomy scan. That ultrasound was where we found out that Tyler had Potter's. That our first child would not be coming home at the end of the pregnancy. Our hello would very shortly be followed by goodbye. And I'm relieved to say that this little girl is 100% healthy according to that ultrasound. We're praying we can bring her home. I'd still rather not have announcements all over Facebook, but I feel like Tyler is so much a part of Keira's story that I need to share this news here. Please keep all of us in your thoughts and prayers, we could use all that we can get.