So now, having experienced losing a child, I'm completely jaded in my perception of what to do now, to get the results I'm looking for in the future.
This is my normal.
Tyler's Story |
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I've done a lot of soul searching since 2009 and particularly in the last few months. I have this terrible habit of comparing myself to other moms. Why? Because I have no idea what I'm doing and I feel like everyone else does. Confession: I don't know how to be like those other moms. Those moms get pregnant and have dreams of what their unborn child will become. Those moms give birth with smiles on their faces, nothing bittersweet about those first beautiful moments with their child. Those moms read books on how to raise their children to behave, have manners and be social. Those moms raise their babies and children with the future in mind. I'm not one of those moms. The dreams I had of my unborn child?...that she be born alive and healthy. Just a screaming baby, that was my dream. I dreamed of being up all night because rocking a newborn and breastfeeding and changing diapers, not because I was in so much emotional pain that I couldn't stop the tears long enough to fall asleep (see my very first blog post after Tyler was born). I gave birth thinking, "Last time I did this, my baby died." I read the books, too. Ask me now, what those books said. I read the words but I didn't believe a baby would come home, so they didn't sink in. And lastly, I don't know how to raise a child with the future in mind. My only experience is to live in the moment because there is no tomorrow. Parents always tell me, "You just have to keep trying different things until you find something that works." I finally realized why this baffled me so much. I get a tomorrow? If I don't get it "right" today, I get another chance tomorrow? I don't trust the process. I don't trust that there is a tomorrow. Some days, I get caught up, I'll admit that. But 99% of the time, there is something nagging in the back of my mind and it's this distrust. My innocence is gone. The "it can't happen to me" attitude is long gone. And it's amazing to me that, at the time, I didn't think I had that attitude. Believe me, when something like this happens to you, in hindsight, you realize you absolutely had that attitude. "I'm young and healthy, nothing will happen to my baby..." la la la.
So now, having experienced losing a child, I'm completely jaded in my perception of what to do now, to get the results I'm looking for in the future. This is my normal.
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Brittany ClarkI'm blogging in hopes of reaching out to other parents who have to face the most heartbreaking experience in life. Archives
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