Let me first start by saying...I'm feeling SO MUCH better now that Thanksgiving and Tyler's birthday are over. Like life is closer to "normal" again. One of my bestie BLM friends said the exact same thing about her daughter's birthday (Halloween). Once it was over, we get to relax. It's like any other birthday, or your wedding day, or the first day of school, or prom... A lot of prep, anxiety, worry if everything will be "just right". If you didn't go directly on your honeymoon, life seemed to be just like any other day the day after your wedding, right? That's kind of how it was for her and I. I wondered if anyone would remember, if grief would wash over me like it had so many times before and envelope my entire being, wondered how Jim would react to it, if he and I would have an argument (over something silly, I assumed), if Keira would be fussy, if Keira would have a great day, if things would generally go "our way" that day, if something bad would happen to add to the crappy-ness of the day. A wise friend told me (not very long ago actually), that worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but doesn't get you anywhere. And another friend said that worry is borrowed trouble. Who wants to borrow that?! Regardless, all that went out the window as Tyler's birthday approached. A knot in my stomach developed about the middle of the month and grew, the closer we got to Thanksgiving.
Last week just plain sucked. Jim had to travel for work at the beginning of the week, and I came to the conclusion that I shouldn't be alone so close to Tyler's birthday. Or anything sad, for that matter. I was a MESS the entire time he was gone. Knowing he wouldn't be home at the end of the day, gave me nothing to look forward to and he was so busy that we only talked twice for about 2 minutes each. The idea of having more children is on the table, Foxxy had to have surgery to fix a hernia that developed from her spay a few years ago, a friend just had her 7th miscarriage (yes, SEVENTH), Keira is sick for the third time this fall and not sleeping well, Thanksgiving and Tyler's birthday... I know the other things are pretty trivial, but mixed with the time of year, it was too much for me. And when I'm stressed, I make more of a situation than what it is. Character flaw, I suppose, but I don't handle stress well. Poor Jim...when he got home, he got an ear-full. {I hate to put my business out there like this, but my hope for this blog is to help other mommies going through this, feel some sense of "normal". I KNOW these feelings are normal, but it sucks to have to put it out there....*sigh*.....here goes.} I feel sad and overwhelmed by the fact that we are even talking about more kids. Had Tyler lived, we would be done. We would have the typical white-picket-fence-type of family...the hubs has a great job making good money, I get to stay home and raise our kids, we have a beautiful home and our boy and our girl. We would be done having children. We would be in the maintenance stage of raising our children and our family feeling complete. But we will never feel complete. We are 8.5 months after having our second child, grieving our first, talking about a third and hoping that, when that time comes, we will have a successful pregnancy the first try. Taking the plunge to try again is a huge obstacle to overcome after loss, whether it be miscarriage, stillbirth or like Tyler. Pregnancy is freaking SCARY! I'm terrified to do it again. Again, the borrowed trouble thing, but I'm scared that we will go through what we've already been through, scared to miscarry, scared that Jim and I can't go through it again and come out with a positive attitude, scared that another loss will break me in a way that affects Keira...I could go on for days. There are so many fears that are so real to me now. When I was pregnant with Tyler, I used to say that if I had a miscarriage, I'd never try again. I always thought women who had them were so incredibly strong to have more children. I have LOTS of friends who have suffered miscarriage and I absolutely think they are strong to try again, but how easy was it for me to say what "I would" do if it happened to me. So many people have said that they would carry, as we did Tyler, with a similar diagnosis. But really, who knows until it happens to you. And THAT is what makes me so scared to lose another baby. Because I just don't know. Many women who carried to term told me that they were less scared to try for their second rainbow baby because they were at peace with the fact that they had been through the worst, and other losses would feel less in comparison. I wish I had the same perspective. The unknown is scary.
And that brings me to Thanksgiving. We decided to stay home this year. Last year, I talked Jim into going up to see family and it wasn't exactly a great idea. I've just tried to have a face-your-fears attitude about this whole grief thing and I felt like Thanksgiving was one of those times. My bad. The only nice thing was on our way home, we saw a shooting star right in front of the car. It was like our little sign from Tyler. So we decided that we would start our own traditions with Keira and forgo the crazy day of running around back home. As much as I like being with family during the holidays, it isn't worth it for Thanksgiving since it's only one day. And quite frankly, I don't want to be with anyone but my husband and daughter because I don't have to put on a show for them. So during Keira's nap, I put the turkey in the oven, did my hair and makeup and got dressed up (always makes me feel better :). Jim brought the tree up and I put it together and decorated it while he cleaned up the table (sweet guy he is!) and played with Baby Bear. It was a really good day and nice to start our own tradition with Keira. Even put a little "1st Thanksgiving" bib on her that we got while we were in Colorado last month.
As you can see, Sunday wasn't much better weather-wise, but at least there was no rain.