On a different note: Jim got Tyler's name and birthday tattooed by his tribal stuff on his right arm. I'll post a pic soon (if he lets me-lol). While he was in the back room getting the tat, I was sitting on couch in the waiting area and one of the other guys there asked me the significance of the name and date (duh). So there it was. The first time I would have to address Tyler to a complete stranger. I took a deep breath and told him. It wasn't exactly easy, but it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. He said, "I'm really sorry to hear that." I told him that we knew, we found out in August... "And the doctors suggested you terminate and you told 'em to go to hell, didn't you?" Turns out, he lost his daughter in 2000 after she was diagnosed with a fatal condition. He and his wife carried to term with the same result. Part of me is thankful that the first person I told also knows what we're going through and another part of me hurts so much to know that he felt the same pain.
I'm not tired. I have no desire to sleep. The song "I Will Carry You" by Selah keeps playing over and over in my head. As hard as it was the last few weeks before I had Tyler, I want to be pregnant with him again. I miss him and if I can't hold him in my arms, I want to still be pregnant with him so I can feel him hiccup and squirm. I ache, physically and my stomach is constantly upset. Not the real/flu kind of upset, the anxious/nervous/uneasy kind of upset. That's the best way I can describe it. It just sucks to know that anyone else has felt this feeling. At times it's comforting to know I'm not alone but right now, I'd rather be the only person in the world that feels this. I wish that because this happened in our lives, it would spare someone else....EVERYONE else. I hate that more women will go through this. I hate that a doctor is going to say to another woman that her baby has a condition that is "incompatible with life". I don't want to cry anymore, I'm so sick of crying. But here I am, after 3 a.m. I'm sitting here sobbing, trying to make sense of my thoughts. I'm tired of being "strong", I don't feel strong. I'm a mess and I feel cheated. Tyler was never "mine" to begin with. He was and always has been God's, but that doesn't make it any easier.
On a different note: Jim got Tyler's name and birthday tattooed by his tribal stuff on his right arm. I'll post a pic soon (if he lets me-lol). While he was in the back room getting the tat, I was sitting on couch in the waiting area and one of the other guys there asked me the significance of the name and date (duh). So there it was. The first time I would have to address Tyler to a complete stranger. I took a deep breath and told him. It wasn't exactly easy, but it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. He said, "I'm really sorry to hear that." I told him that we knew, we found out in August... "And the doctors suggested you terminate and you told 'em to go to hell, didn't you?" Turns out, he lost his daughter in 2000 after she was diagnosed with a fatal condition. He and his wife carried to term with the same result. Part of me is thankful that the first person I told also knows what we're going through and another part of me hurts so much to know that he felt the same pain.
6 Comments
Mamie
12/9/2009 08:24:30 am
I'm right here. Always remember that. Ilove you
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Jeanette
12/10/2009 02:52:02 am
I can't tell you how to feel, but I do believe that you should allow yourself to not be the strong person you are. Allow your feelings to come as they will and remember, even though today you may not be as strong as you normally are, you are an incredible person and mom! Hugs to you Brittany.
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Malinda Davis
12/12/2009 11:45:58 am
When your up at 3 am and can't sleep, know your not the only one. I'm there too. The song in my head is smallest, wingless. It also plays all the time. I know it does not make it any better, but remember you are not alone in this.
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Michelle
12/12/2009 01:32:32 pm
You left a comment on my BBC post Forget Christmas...it led me here. I can relate to a lot of what you said here..and I also found out I was pregnant on April 24th! I was up the 10th @ 3 am, I'm so sorry for your loss will keep you in my prayers as I too have a relationship with God.
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Meghan
12/17/2009 03:11:00 am
Brittany - love the updates and changes to your site! Don't you love working on it?? I love doing anything that has to do with Gabe...
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Carrie
12/18/2009 07:04:20 am
Telling that first stranger is very difficult. I'm glad the stranger at least understood more than the average person.
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Brittany ClarkI'm blogging in hopes of reaching out to other parents who have to face the most heartbreaking experience in life. Archives
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