I'll Be There
Daddy please don't look so sad, momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
Please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.
So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!
~Claudette T. Allen
I know how hard Mother's Day was for me, or more the days leading up to Mother's Day, and my heart ached for Jim this year. I've been dreading it for him but I had NO idea, didn't even think about, how it would affect me. As I stood in the card aisle, overwhelmed by the number Father's Day cards yet not reading a single one, I realized that tears were falling off my cheeks. Not "tears in my eyes" or "on the verge" of tears....they were on their way to my shirt by the time I realized they were even there. I know people looked at me but I'm sure they thought I had lost MY dad or something....whatever. After picking one for Jim, I pulled myself together and realized just how much I was hurting, too. I was worried about what was going on in his head as Sunday approached and was completely blindsided in the card aisle. When I got home, I wanted him to open it then instead of waiting until Sunday. That day is going to suck anyway, so why make it worse? I thought that if I just gave it to him early, we could get it out of the way. Which I did and it was followed with lots of tears. Neither of us has cried, I mean REALLY cried for Tyler in awhile and part of it felt good to let it out together. The only more perfect time for this Jamaica trip would have just been "sooner". We're both excited to get away for a few days and keep moving forward. Okay, I'm way more excited than he is :) I've let go of A LOT of the guilt of "we wouldn't be going on this vacation if Tyler was here" or "when would we REALLY be ready for another baby if he was here?" Who knows and quite frankly, it doesn't matter. He isn't here and it's a little insane to live life as if he was. I would say I miss him MORE everyday, but in a more manageable way. I still can't believe how much I've learned about myself through him and this whole experience. I always thought that I was a "take no shit" kind of girl, but I totally was NOT. I took a lot of crap from a lot of mean-spirited, rude people to avoid confrontation when really there is no reason to take it when I'm not in the wrong. It's amazing to think that what I've learned in this experience is preparing me for something else. I'm hoping that any negative experience from my past was in preparation for losing Tyler...I can't possibly imagine something worse. If I had to go through "the worst" at 23 years old, my life will be apple pie from