This is my outlet to tell people what I expect of them and how I'm really feeling. I WANT YOU TO TALK TO ME ABOUT TYLER. ASK to see his pictures, I don't want to push them on you...not everyone likes seeing pictures of a baby who has died, it's a little out of line for me to make you look at them. Asking about when or if we plan on trying again hurts my feelings a little because it makes me feel like you don't view Tyler as a person, an individual, but simply as "a baby". He's not a "thought" or a "twinkle" in someone's eye. He is a baby who was planned, loved, cared for, talked to, held... He breathed, he screamed, blood ran through his veins. I don't really want to answer that question when people ask, but do I want to be viewed as a bitter, angry person? Of course not, so I buck up and answer the damn question. Honestly, when WE are ready, we will try again. There, no need to ask. People don't realize how exhausting it is to be sad and angry. I feel like I need to sleep for a week straight to refresh my body. I've been tense and upset since August 24 of last year... That's a long time.
I see Tyler everyday. We have collages of him all over the house, the screen saver on my desktop is a slideshow of pictures of Tyler, my background on my phone is Tyler, I can't get enough of him! I never will, and that's sad. I'll never get a chance to tell him how naughty it is to pull Foxxy's tail or Copper's ears or laugh when he grabs a chunk of Jim's chest hair (I would SO laugh!). I try not to dwell on what I won't get, but to feel blessed about what I did. He stayed his little butt in my belly for almost 36 weeks, that's a blessing in itself. I got to watch my husband become a proud, loving father. I got to feel the overwhelming emotions of having a child, holding him, kissing him. There will be more children, but not another "first" and certainly not another Tyler.