Having said that, the days didn't completely suck. Thanksgiving was nothing special. I cleaned and put up the Christmas tree, Jim napped on the couch, Keira stole candy canes before I could even get them on the tree...nothing out of the ordinary really.
Thanksgiving and Tyler's birthday have come and gone. I wish I could say that it was good or bad, but really, after 3 years, it's such a gray area. There are so many positives to Tyler's birthday, I mean, he MADE me a mommy! He gave me the experiences that define being a mom, taught me so much about life, love, God... Yet, the feeling that lingers the most intensely, is the longing for what I don't have anymore. When I hear "look on the bright side" or "concentrate on the positives" or something equally naive, I can't help but shake my head. No amount of positive thinking will make the hole in my heart smaller. No matter how grateful I am for what I DO have, it doesn't change the fact that something so important to me isn't here. When you lose a parent and the surviving parent remarries, does that mean you (or the surviving parent) miss your loved one any less? No, it means you've learned to live with what IS while grieving what WAS. It's the same thing with losing Tyler. As happy as I am that he lived, I'm still really freaking sad that he died. Having said that, the days didn't completely suck. Thanksgiving was nothing special. I cleaned and put up the Christmas tree, Jim napped on the couch, Keira stole candy canes before I could even get them on the tree...nothing out of the ordinary really. We don't go see family for Thanksgiving for a few reasons but the main one being, the year after Tyler was born (I was also pregnant with Keira), we went for Thanksgiving like we had normally done every year. It didn't feel right. We love seeing family, but we felt really "off", like neither of us wanted or felt content being there. I don't know how to describe it, it was just uncomfortable, which is NOT how you should feel on Thanksgiving with family. On our way home that night, we decided that we were going to stay home as a family for that holiday from then on. Now that we live 4 hours away, have a little one and MUCH prefer staying in a hotel (because of our extra baggage with Keira and all her gear), it's too much of a hassle and too expensive anyway, since we will definitely go up there a month later for Christmas. When Jim has time off, we like to spend it as a family since those days are few and far between. Tyler's actual birthday (Monday), started off really well. Keira and I got out of the house early to go grocery shopping and pick up a balloon to release for Tyler. We didn't even get to our subdivision (which is 2 minutes from town) when the balloon popped! I went back and got a new one with no issues and got it home in one, solid piece. :) When Jim got home, we bundled up Keira and went out to release the balloon. It was very sweet and really made me emotional for the day. To be honest, a balloon release is kind of sad. I mean, I went and got it specifically for Tyler's birthday, then we took it outside and watched it blow away in the wind, further and further from us. It's a special balloon, symbolic of him, and we had to watch it leave our hands. It brought back my hardest memory of handing him away at the hospital and watching him leave, knowing I'd never see him on this Earth again. The forever release is really hard on me. When his heart stopped beating, it kind of broke my spirit. It was like, "Damn, this is really it. His life is really over. This is the first step in the rest of my life without him. This sucks." But releasing him from our loving arms and watching the man from the funeral home walk out with him...it's like watching someone walk away with your arm. So surreal. Like "Hey! That's mine!" And I know it's just a balloon and there are millions of them in the world, but we will never see THAT balloon again. I've never heard anyone else describe a balloon release like that, so maybe I'm weird, but that's how it strikes me. The rest of the night was just blah. I didn't really want to talk about how I was feeling (though Jim made sure I knew that he was here to listen, bless his huge heart), I didn't want to look over his pictures, I just felt discontent and wanted to be left alone. I did get lots of cute things from friends on FB, which always warms my heart! As I was talking to a friend the next day, she asked about Tyler (I think my labor and c-section experience, the photographer, etc.) and I got to share some stories about him. I was looking at my computer while talking to her and came across his videos and looked at his pictures again. It felt really nice to have someone ASK about him. I mention or talk about him all the time, but to have someone actually ask was so refreshing and nice. Since she is a newer friend, it also made me realize that most of my friends here don't really know much about Tyler and haven't seen his videos and pictures so I decided to repost his video on FB. I got so many sweet comments and it made me so happy to be able to share him (for the first time for many of those people) again. It brought his memory alive for me and that felt so nice, I feel so alone in my continued grief sometimes.
3 Comments
Johannah Malone
11/30/2012 09:01:32 am
Thinking of you. I try to check in when I can. I was on the December 2009 birth board as well, which is how I found your site. I would love to see some of Tyler in a video. This may be disrespectful and please forgive in advance, as that is not my intention, but would you consider posting, even a few seconds of it? Wishing you all the best with your two daughters. XO
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Johannah Malone
7/7/2013 10:25:44 am
Hello...are you okay? Never saw updates after November.
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Heather
7/20/2013 12:57:20 am
I second Johannah's question! Hope all is well;)
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Brittany ClarkI'm blogging in hopes of reaching out to other parents who have to face the most heartbreaking experience in life. Archives
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