Yesterday was 7 months. You know who remembered? Nobody. Not a single person said a word to me about Tyler yesterday. I actually had fewer visitors to this site yesterday than the entire month of June. I NEVER expected everyone (or anyone) to remember every month or even his birthday, but the reality hit yesterday. This is when my pain is only my own, it can't be shared. Unlike the past few angelversaries, there were lots of tears yesterday. Lots of triggers to remind me that my life isn't roses and I'm not the naive person I once was. I wish I could be, yet so thankful I'm not. And knowing that everything happens for a reason and that there's a higher power at work, doesn't make the hurt any less. I ache so badly, physically, when I look at pictures of Tyler. "One more" will never be enough, but I can't help but wish for one more kiss, one more touch of his soft skin, one more chance to tell him how much I love him and how badly I miss him. I know that this life is a blink in comparison to eternal salvation, but it feels too damn long to me.
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I saw this today on babycenter and thought I'd share (with highlighted parts that really spoke to me).
I'll Be There Daddy please don't look so sad, momma please don't cry. Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies. Please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind. Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind. You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above. I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love. I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night. Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light. You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane. That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain. When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows. Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose. When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug, Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug. So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry. I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies! ~Claudette T. Allen I know how hard Mother's Day was for me, or more the days leading up to Mother's Day, and my heart ached for Jim this year. I've been dreading it for him but I had NO idea, didn't even think about, how it would affect me. As I stood in the card aisle, overwhelmed by the number Father's Day cards yet not reading a single one, I realized that tears were falling off my cheeks. Not "tears in my eyes" or "on the verge" of tears....they were on their way to my shirt by the time I realized they were even there. I know people looked at me but I'm sure they thought I had lost MY dad or something....whatever. After picking one for Jim, I pulled myself together and realized just how much I was hurting, too. I was worried about what was going on in his head as Sunday approached and was completely blindsided in the card aisle. When I got home, I wanted him to open it then instead of waiting until Sunday. That day is going to suck anyway, so why make it worse? I thought that if I just gave it to him early, we could get it out of the way. Which I did and it was followed with lots of tears. Neither of us has cried, I mean REALLY cried for Tyler in awhile and part of it felt good to let it out together. The only more perfect time for this Jamaica trip would have just been "sooner". We're both excited to get away for a few days and keep moving forward. Okay, I'm way more excited than he is :) I've let go of A LOT of the guilt of "we wouldn't be going on this vacation if Tyler was here" or "when would we REALLY be ready for another baby if he was here?" Who knows and quite frankly, it doesn't matter. He isn't here and it's a little insane to live life as if he was. I would say I miss him MORE everyday, but in a more manageable way. I still can't believe how much I've learned about myself through him and this whole experience. I always thought that I was a "take no shit" kind of girl, but I totally was NOT. I took a lot of crap from a lot of mean-spirited, rude people to avoid confrontation when really there is no reason to take it when I'm not in the wrong. It's amazing to think that what I've learned in this experience is preparing me for something else. I'm hoping that any negative experience from my past was in preparation for losing Tyler...I can't possibly imagine something worse. If I had to go through "the worst" at 23 years old, my life will be apple pie from I just realized I haven't written a blog in quite awhile...so here's the past few weeks in a nutshell: Jim and I went to Colorado to visit my brother (and his wife) and his brother (and wife) for a few days. It was WAY too short and I miss them already, but we got to see a lot and we had a great time. My 24th birthday was Wednesday and, thanks to my loving hubby and fantastic friends, it was a great day! There were several times in Colorado that I thought sad thoughts regarding Tyler and even more sad thoughts on my birthday, but I wasn't consumed by them. I haven't had a good cry about Tyler in a few weeks and it helps me feel more stable. We want to have more children and we'd like to start trying in the near future, but I needed this stability first and I'm getting there. I feel like the grief has plateaued in a good place. I haven't dramatically improved (on a month to month basis) for quite some time and I'm okay with this. I had my final appointment with my grief counselor today and it went great. He agreed with my "plateau" description and made sure to tell me how great he thinks I've done and am doing. It was definitely nice to have that professional affirmation. At this point, the only major hurdles I face are the ones that would be major regardless of whether we lost Tyler or not.
I've tied all my loose ends and I'm ready for another chapter. I'm not closing my book (or ending anything), I'm just open to allowing it to continue now. -Notice the purple flowers in the header...these were grown by a fellow angel mom, Sarah. She told me when she planted them that she'd let know when they bloomed. This was a pleasant surprise on my phone today. |
Brittany ClarkI'm blogging in hopes of reaching out to other parents who have to face the most heartbreaking experience in life. Archives
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