.:Loving and Losing Tyler:.
Labor?
Late Wednesday night/early Thursday morning, I woke up 3 or 4 times with painful cramps/contractions. They didn't last very long, but were hard enough to wake me up. I didn't worry about it since there weren't many of them. The last one was between 6 and 7 a.m. and I got up around 8. Warning: TMI: When I went to the bathroom, I lost some more of my mucous plug with some fluid. So the mixture of the contractions and more plug, made me call my doctor, just to be sure. I felt terrible calling him on Thanksgiving, but I can't ignore something I've never felt before...I needed to be sure. So I left a message on his cell, and Jim and I went out to got some breakfast. We decided that no matter what he said, we would stay home from our friends' Thanksgiving just to be safe and comfortable at home.
Around 10 a.m., just as we pulled into the driveway from picking up breakfast, he called. I described the contractions, and that I hadn't had any since early that morning, and the piece of plug. He was on his way to Peoria for a family Thanksgiving, so he told me to just go to labor and delivery, have them check me out and go from there. He called ahead to let them know I was coming. Jim and I called our parents to give them a heads up and ate, I showered and finished packing my bag just to have in the car in case I was admitted. It was 11 a.m. when we got in the car. My nurse tested my business to see if I was leaking amniotic fluid (what little there was) and it came back that I wasn't. We still don't know what it was, but I think it actually was fluid but I didn't enough for a positive result. She checked my cervix and I was dilated to about 1.5 cm. After monitoring my contractions for an hour or so, we could tell they were about 7 minutes apart. They weren't all painful, so I didn't notice them at home. Once I was in a bed, I noticed I was getting them often, but they didn't hurt at all except every 1/2 hour or so. The nurse called my doctor to see what he wanted to do since the contractions were so close and I was dilating. He said to just admit and monitor me for another 2 hours and we'll go from there. So this is labor.
Around 10 a.m., just as we pulled into the driveway from picking up breakfast, he called. I described the contractions, and that I hadn't had any since early that morning, and the piece of plug. He was on his way to Peoria for a family Thanksgiving, so he told me to just go to labor and delivery, have them check me out and go from there. He called ahead to let them know I was coming. Jim and I called our parents to give them a heads up and ate, I showered and finished packing my bag just to have in the car in case I was admitted. It was 11 a.m. when we got in the car. My nurse tested my business to see if I was leaking amniotic fluid (what little there was) and it came back that I wasn't. We still don't know what it was, but I think it actually was fluid but I didn't enough for a positive result. She checked my cervix and I was dilated to about 1.5 cm. After monitoring my contractions for an hour or so, we could tell they were about 7 minutes apart. They weren't all painful, so I didn't notice them at home. Once I was in a bed, I noticed I was getting them often, but they didn't hurt at all except every 1/2 hour or so. The nurse called my doctor to see what he wanted to do since the contractions were so close and I was dilating. He said to just admit and monitor me for another 2 hours and we'll go from there. So this is labor.
"Active Labor"...wasn't so bad after all :)
My doc needed some time since he was still over an hour away and wanted to talk to the OB, as well. Jim spoke to him for a few minutes after the nurse got off the phone, and we tried to figure out if I should go to Peoria to have that u/s or just stick with the original plan and deliver here. We had to decide if we wanted to pursue the suggestion that Tyler may have some kidney function and some lung development, which would automatically put us in Peoria. If we don't, will we always wonder? If we went and they told us exactly what we've always been told, then there was no reason for me to be air lifted while Jim had to drive and our families may not be able to make it there. The photographer may not make it either since that would put us 2 1/2 hours away from her. If we went and something had changed, they would take him away as soon as he's born and hook him up to monitors and put tubes down his throat...only to find out that his little body can't sustain life and we'd have to make the choice to take him off life support. No thank you.
Within the next few hours, I had 2 more cervical checks, contractions 3 minutes apart, both doctors (my doc and OB) there and a catheter put in. By the way, that was the WORST physical part of the whole experience...ick. Jim and I decided that, given what we've been told up to this point, there was no way Tyler's kidney(s), bladder or lungs would be developed enough to support his life. And there is no way I'm going to put myself or Jim in the position to take our son off life support, if it came down to that. By this time, we were comfortable with the c-section. The risk it would put on Tyler and I was not worth it to me to have a vaginal birth. Of course, I would rather NOT have surgery, but it was the obvious choice. My doctor came back into my room a few minutes after we told him our decision (about 5 p.m.) and informed us my c-section was scheduled for 6:30 p.m. So we called our families to let them know, and they were all within an hour of the hospital. I can't say how Jim felt, but I had this calm feeling I can't describe. I wasn't scared, I just felt like it's what I needed to do and we were about to meet Tyler. Our families were here to wish us well and tell us they love us before we left the L&D room. Jim put on some scrubs, we both got some sexy hair nets ;) and off to the OR we went!
Within the next few hours, I had 2 more cervical checks, contractions 3 minutes apart, both doctors (my doc and OB) there and a catheter put in. By the way, that was the WORST physical part of the whole experience...ick. Jim and I decided that, given what we've been told up to this point, there was no way Tyler's kidney(s), bladder or lungs would be developed enough to support his life. And there is no way I'm going to put myself or Jim in the position to take our son off life support, if it came down to that. By this time, we were comfortable with the c-section. The risk it would put on Tyler and I was not worth it to me to have a vaginal birth. Of course, I would rather NOT have surgery, but it was the obvious choice. My doctor came back into my room a few minutes after we told him our decision (about 5 p.m.) and informed us my c-section was scheduled for 6:30 p.m. So we called our families to let them know, and they were all within an hour of the hospital. I can't say how Jim felt, but I had this calm feeling I can't describe. I wasn't scared, I just felt like it's what I needed to do and we were about to meet Tyler. Our families were here to wish us well and tell us they love us before we left the L&D room. Jim put on some scrubs, we both got some sexy hair nets ;) and off to the OR we went!
.:^Time with our Angel^:.
Tyler Andrew Clark was born at 6:45 p.m. on Thursday November 26, 2009, Thanksgiving, at 35 weeks 5 days gestation. The OB (surgeon) said, "Look up, mom, we're gonna show him to you," and there he was above the blue screen. His tiny little ears, tiny little mouth, tiny little nose and dark hair! Lots of dark hair! I only saw him for a second and I was in awe. I looked at Jim and smiled. I can't remember if it was before or after I saw him, but I thought I heard a tiny little cry and wondered if that was him. I asked the surgeon a few minutes later and he said it sure was. :) A few seconds after we saw him, someone asked if "dad" wanted to cut the cord. Jim jumped off his stool (literally) and went around to cut it and when he came back, Tyler was in his arms. He sat down next to me and just stared at his son. He looked like he'd been a daddy all his life. I looked at Tyler just in time to see his little forehead and nose wrinkle up and open his mouth and cry! It sounded like a little duck quack! He looked so mad that we took him out of his warm "Tyler cave" and brought him into that cold OR. The surgeon asked if we brought a video camera. We both completely forgot about it! So he went back to our L&D room and got it out of our bag and brought it back to the OR and started shooting. I think we ended up with about 10 minutes of video of Tyler. This has been invaluable even just since Thursday. Before he got back with the camera, Tyler opened his eyes and looked at his daddy. I wish we had gotten it on video or at least a picture, but it's engraved in our minds forever. Jim held him for a few minutes and they finally let me hold him while they finished stitching me up. We got some more video and some alone "family time" in the recovery room before we had all our families come in. He was so perfect. His cheeks were so soft, I couldn't keep my hands off of them. His hair was so dark but he had blonde eyebrows, just like me. We opened up his blanket to look at him and he had long, beautiful little chicken legs and big feet, just like his daddy. Our families filed in: Gma and Gpa Clark, Gma Green, Great-Gpa Cuchiara, Mamie, Gpa Harms and Aunt Mal. All the proud grandmas had cameras and our photographer from NILMDTS got there just before we went to recovery. I held him for awhile after our families got there and they took pictures of our little family. Jim and I still had our hair nets on for some of them. :) The photographer came in with our families and took TONS of pictures as each of them held Tyler for a few minutes. I held him as my nurse baptized him.
At 8 p.m. Tyler passed in my arms. Shortly after, we asked everyone to leave the room to have a few minutes alone. We had the photographer come in. We had my nurse come in and she and Jim gave Tyler a bath and rubbed lavender baby lotion on him. Of course, a few minutes later, he pooed all over me and Jim :) (I think this might be what the OB saw in Tyler's bowels on the u/s Wednesday) He is his father's son! She took pictures for the better part of 2 hours and we are so thankful she could be a part of our time with Tyler. She didn't spare her tears for us, and I so appreciate her emotional involvement and everything she has done for us. I wish there was some way to show her just how much it means to us. When we were done, our families came back in and stayed until they were ready to head home. Tyler's aunt Tara came in late that night, too. She watched the videos and held him, which meant so much to me.
I held him all night under my gown, against my chest. I didn't feel like he was gone, I felt like a mommy cuddling my son for the first time. I talked to him for hours, telling him how much his daddy and I love him and we will never forget him. How much his grandmas, grandpas and great-grandpas love him. I know his great-grandmas and great-grandpa are up in Heaven taking care of him already and I'm sure he's met all the other Potter's angels who are missing their mommies as much as we're missing them. I told him how he's been his daddy's dream since we met and how excited we were to meet him, and we will do everything in our power to meet him again when the time comes. I never knew how much I wanted him until I found out I was pregnant. Even though I didn't want children for the longest time, there was no point during my pregnancy that I felt regret. I truly enjoyed carrying Tyler as long as the Lord allowed me. I enjoyed his relentless hiccups, his headbutts to my ribs, even the bladder jabs :) He has given me a gift I couldn't have even dreamed of receiving. We have no regrets about the choices we made pertaining to Tyler's well-being and we would choose every step again, given the same situation. I've learned that the hardest decisions are the most rewarding. I wish that because I have been through this, that that would somehow be enough to protect and shield someone else from this feeling. I want Tyler with me, I need him. There will never be another Tyler Andrew and I will thank God until the day I die, that he chose me to carry such a beautiful, perfect human being. Not many people get to say they have their very own angel.
At 8 p.m. Tyler passed in my arms. Shortly after, we asked everyone to leave the room to have a few minutes alone. We had the photographer come in. We had my nurse come in and she and Jim gave Tyler a bath and rubbed lavender baby lotion on him. Of course, a few minutes later, he pooed all over me and Jim :) (I think this might be what the OB saw in Tyler's bowels on the u/s Wednesday) He is his father's son! She took pictures for the better part of 2 hours and we are so thankful she could be a part of our time with Tyler. She didn't spare her tears for us, and I so appreciate her emotional involvement and everything she has done for us. I wish there was some way to show her just how much it means to us. When we were done, our families came back in and stayed until they were ready to head home. Tyler's aunt Tara came in late that night, too. She watched the videos and held him, which meant so much to me.
I held him all night under my gown, against my chest. I didn't feel like he was gone, I felt like a mommy cuddling my son for the first time. I talked to him for hours, telling him how much his daddy and I love him and we will never forget him. How much his grandmas, grandpas and great-grandpas love him. I know his great-grandmas and great-grandpa are up in Heaven taking care of him already and I'm sure he's met all the other Potter's angels who are missing their mommies as much as we're missing them. I told him how he's been his daddy's dream since we met and how excited we were to meet him, and we will do everything in our power to meet him again when the time comes. I never knew how much I wanted him until I found out I was pregnant. Even though I didn't want children for the longest time, there was no point during my pregnancy that I felt regret. I truly enjoyed carrying Tyler as long as the Lord allowed me. I enjoyed his relentless hiccups, his headbutts to my ribs, even the bladder jabs :) He has given me a gift I couldn't have even dreamed of receiving. We have no regrets about the choices we made pertaining to Tyler's well-being and we would choose every step again, given the same situation. I've learned that the hardest decisions are the most rewarding. I wish that because I have been through this, that that would somehow be enough to protect and shield someone else from this feeling. I want Tyler with me, I need him. There will never be another Tyler Andrew and I will thank God until the day I die, that he chose me to carry such a beautiful, perfect human being. Not many people get to say they have their very own angel.