So here it is, 3 months. I have to say, the 3 month mark is slightly easier than the 1 month, but a thousand times easier than the 2 month. Then again, the day is just beginning. We bought a new vehicle yesterday, so that's keeping me happy for the moment. I'm a change junkie and I'm glad there was a good, big change right now. And I'm still giddy at the thought of Jamaica in June. So, at the moment, there is much to celebrate and look forward to.
Slowly (VERY slowly) I'm realizing that life has to keep going. I don't like it, and I'm learning that I don't have to like it, it just keeps going. I can't put my life on hold because my life affects so many others' lives and I can't expect anyone else to put their life on hold for my grief. In my mind, I want to the world to stop to recognize and grieve Tyler. But that's the way it works. If anyone else stops, it's because of MY grief for Tyler, not theirs. It makes me angry. I'm SO angry for having to lose him when other people don't appreciate theirs, but that's not going to make him come back. I know that, since you're reading this blog, you can see 2 pictures of him. Look at those for a minute. How beautiful and perfect is that little face? What would he look like today? Had he lived when he was born, he would be 3 months old today. Think of your child at 3 months old. They didn't look hardly anything like their newborn pictures, did they? If he'd been born healthy, closer to his due date, he would be 2 months old. I would just be getting back to work from maternity leave with a million pictures to show all my clients. But I can't bring him up in casual conversation (unless with my close friends or close family) for fear of making other people uncomfortable. Do you have any idea how hard it is to listen to people talk about their newborns and have to keep quiet because if you mention a single thing about your child (whether they know what happened or not), that person will never forget the awkwardness that conversation brought? Not only that, do you think they'll ever bring it up again? I hate to say that I was guilty of this before Tyler. If I knew someone had had a miscarriage, I avoided pregnancy talk. I think I speak for most when I say that we're not broken. We're bruised and hurting, some hurting worse than others, but we're not broken. You don't have to protect us by avoiding "Tyler talk" or "pregnancy talk", it's more hurtful when the love of our lives are ignored. If something happened to Jim tomorrow, my heart would just break if people avoided acknowledging that I was married and had a husband. I don't love Tyler less because he's not here, I just love him with more pain in my heart than I would like. Another woman I know who carried to term a baby with a fatal prenatal diagnosis said that she told her close family and friends that if someone said they didn't know how to act around her, to tell them to just give her a hug. Don't say anything, don't be awkward, just a hug and a caring attitude. She got that. She got hugs and "I'm thinking about you" comments and she said it was wonderful. So to anyone who is reading this, please feel free to spread the word. A few people (especially clients) have already done this and I have to say, what a hug says in no words is amazing. "I'm thinking about you", "I'm praying for you", "Glad to see you're healing"....a hug can say so many things without a single word. When people ask how I am, my initial reaction is to laugh although I don't. Do you honestly want to hear how I'm doing, or do you want me to tell you that I'm fine? I would say I answer honestly about 1/4 of the time, I answer "fine" or "okay" 1/4 and flat out lie the other 1/2. I'm miserable. I don't like getting up in the morning because every single day is a reminder of what I should be doing. I'm 3 months postpartum. There should be a crib in the exact place where this computer desk is sitting in the "office", not the "nursery". I love and hate this room. I love it because it's "Tyler" but I hate it because it's only thoughts of Tyler. I miss him. Jim and I try to be the best people we know how to be, and we are the ones who have to go through life wondering "what if". I know that when I say "I should be...." that's wrong. I'm doing exactly what God wants me to do. He has the blueprint, not me. I'm doing exactly what I "should" be doing, really. I guess I should say "anyone else would be....", but it just doesn't have the same ring to it :)
I suppose the point of this blog is to ask people not to forget about Tyler and please don't forget his parents, either. Jim and I are hurting...badly. Tyler is the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think about before I fall asleep. When people first have babies, you always hear them gush about how this baby "is my everything" or "I don't know what I did before them" or "my life was not complete without them". We feel the same way, only we don't get to enjoy him everyday. He is still our everything. Everything we do is for him, but he just isn't with us anymore. We'll have more children, but Tyler will always be our first. He was the first child of mine that I held, heard cry, kissed...but also had to let go.
I miss you bebe, and I promise I'll be with you again someday.