4 months from now will be a whole year. At 4 months after having Tyler, I BAWLED at the thought of having more children. I didn't think I'd want to ever try again. I couldn't...DIDN'T want to imagine carrying a child for 9 months of agonizing uncertainty. Now, 4 months until his birthday, I smile at the thought of making him a big brother. The world didn't stop turning just because we lost Tyler and I wanted time to stop. The plan has always been that we would have to let him go, we just didn't know it until August 24, 2009, 11 months ago. I've been through many chapters of my life in this short year...I hope the next ones are a little easier on my heart. But I have high hopes.
Last month, I had the lowest number of views on this site that I'd had in over a week (I think it was closer to all month!). Yesterday, there were 38 views...how sad. Today...248!!! Whoever is still reading-THANK YOU. This has been the one place I never feel guilty or think twice about talking about Tyler. I can't show him off like everyone else gets to show their kids off. I can't update people on what he's doing, or what developmental stage he's at. All I have is a memory and if you're still reading, you're keeping that memory alive and I love you for it. It's amazing to look back at my first blog...if you don't remember, go back and read it. That was probably my deepest low. I felt like I was desperately grasping at something that wasn't there. Like I had lost my damn mind! If I hadn't just had a c-section, I probably would have gone out for a long run. I used to do that in high school when I was pissed. I'd throw on my running shoes and go...before I knew it, I was a mile and half away from the house and exhausted. I felt like I solved the world's problems in those runs. I needed that escape that night...that morning at 3 a.m. But running isn't going to make my heart hurt any less and sure as hell won't make Tyler come back. A good run doesn't solve everything.
4 months from now will be a whole year. At 4 months after having Tyler, I BAWLED at the thought of having more children. I didn't think I'd want to ever try again. I couldn't...DIDN'T want to imagine carrying a child for 9 months of agonizing uncertainty. Now, 4 months until his birthday, I smile at the thought of making him a big brother. The world didn't stop turning just because we lost Tyler and I wanted time to stop. The plan has always been that we would have to let him go, we just didn't know it until August 24, 2009, 11 months ago. I've been through many chapters of my life in this short year...I hope the next ones are a little easier on my heart. But I have high hopes.
7 Comments
Thinking of you sweet mama! I wished that I could take all this hurt and throw it far, far away! I have some pics for you on my other computer. I will try to send them tomorrow. One of them did not turn out and I wanted to go back and retake it and have not gotten the chance. Tyler will NEVER be forgotten! He is so loved and has touched so many! Hugs!!
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Jenessa
7/30/2010 12:51:45 pm
Love you dear....hugs your way...xoxoxo
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I know that feeling!!
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Carrie
8/7/2010 07:16:22 am
High hopes. Did you ever think you would say that? Tyler has such a wonderful mom!
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Ann
8/8/2010 12:12:53 am
You have come so far the last 8 months. When I reread your blogs, I see you are gaining strength. Love you.
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Mellisa
8/19/2010 12:29:12 pm
Britt,
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Brittany ClarkI'm blogging in hopes of reaching out to other parents who have to face the most heartbreaking experience in life. Archives
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