But I've come a long way in the last year. Even though I was pregnant with Keira during Tyler's first birthday, I was still bitter toward most other pregnant women. Not all, but most. And when I saw a pregnant stranger, my first thoughts wandered to, "I wonder if her baby will die." I know that sounds morbid and awful, but it's REALITY! I carried Tyler, knowing he would die when he was born. So how many pregnant women have I seen whose baby ended up dying? And how many of those women were carrying their "miracle baby"? How many of them had endured multiple miscarriages? My thoughts these days, upon spotting a preggo, linger on the latter thoughts. They seem more positive, don't they? I wonder now, what kind of struggles that women has endured to get where she is. As I look on the brighter side of things, I'm now realizing she could have gotten pregnant from a one-night-stand, not know who the father is or carrying a love child from an affair with a married man. LOL. No, that's not funny, but I laugh at how rose-colored I've painted my world lately. I hate that bad things happen. Especially when it comes to pregnancy and babies/children. I've recently met a group of women who, upon closer inspection, have all had some kind of trial involving children/pregnancy. One spent 12 weeks in the NICU with her son who the nurses called "miracle baby", one miscarried the twin to her toddler and had a recent 2nd trimester miscarriage, another also had a miscarriage recently and another carried to term her daughter with Anencephaly. Out of the 6 of us in the group, 5 of us had some major, life-changing trials to get our healthy, living children here. And no, we didn't sit around crying to each other about how our lives sucked. Every single one of these women had a positive attitude and thanked God for what He DID give them. A truly inspirational group.
Jim and I have decided to skip Thanksgiving. I kind of want to make a cornish hen, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy...the whole nine yards...but Jim would rather skip the whole holiday. And I can't blame him. Keira is young enough that we aren't "ruining the holiday" for her (I'm sure I'll hear that one next...) and our loss is still fresh. Thanksgiving will probably be spend decorating for Christmas this year. But to be completely honest, Christmas hurts for me, too. Tyler's due date was the 27th and the holiday in 2009 was pretty awful. I heard a lot of "all the grandkids" and "newest baby" and things like that. And my grief was still very raw. Christmas is another reminder of what would have been. It brings up those "what he would have been doing" thoughts because if he had been healthy, he would have been born closer to Christmas.
I don't know where I was going with this post, I really don't. I guess there are just a lot of crazy things going through my head that had to come out. Keira has been a wonderful distraction. My world revolves around making her smile and keeping her happy. She is the sweetest, most beautiful little doll. She lights up a room no matter where we are. Sometimes, Jim and I just look at her in awe...not believing for a moment that something so wonderful could come from the two of us. And I can appreciate her in a way I never would have been able to without the perspective losing Tyler has given me. Silver lining, right?