I miss him, man do I miss him (I don't think I can express that enough), but it's not as hard now. The pain isn't as sharp as it had been. I'm mainly writing this blog for the people reading who are new to this kind of loss. It sucks...bad. I look at pictures of Jim when he was a toddler and can't help but wonder if Tyler would have looked just like that. I think he would have...but I'll never know, and that's a horrible thing to live with. I am starting to accept the hole in my heart. Learning to live with it. I can't cover the wound, but I can't ignore it either. I understand now what people mean when they say "one day at a time". I would drive myself crazy if all I thought about was what life was going to be life without Tyler forever. It's overwhelming. I definitely had to think about what I was going to say when people ask if I have children or anything like that. An answer for every situation. Other than my generic responses, I try not to think too far ahead. What am I going to do with Tyler's clothes? Will I be able to dress another child in them when Tyler wasn't ever able to use them? Will I use the same safari theme as I was going to use for Tyler with another child? At what age will I tell my future children about Tyler? Where will I tell them he is? How do I make them understand? That's overwhelming and not relevant at this time in my life. I would keep myself up at night thinking about it if I allowed myself. But at this second, in this moment, it doesn't matter. I'm beginning to understand the "one day at a time" phrase.
I'm still angry, but not as much. I still get a little pissy when people announce their pregnancies at 4 weeks, the moment they get a positive pregnancy test, because I know all too well how common miscarriage is and how devastating to have to go back and tell every person that you lost your baby. I still get irritated when I hear people complain about their children (to an extreme), but not as intensely. I'm getting back to sad, I think. When things aren't going the way I want them to, I don't stomp my feet and grow horns...I become overwhelmed and want to cry. Like I said, this only happens occasionally, but the reaction is likely tears instead of fire now. I'm glad. I'd much rather cry than feel compelled to throw something :) It's amazing to think that a month ago I thought I was doing SO WELL and now I look back and think, "Really, Brittany? REALLY? DENIAL!" haha
I so appreciate all of the support I'm still getting. I think people forget that grief doesn't "go away" and you don't "get over" it, you learn to live with it and it's a long process. When I'm in recovery after our next baby, I'm sure I'll have a little breakdown and wonder if I'm ready (even if it's five years from now!) because the fear and the pain will never disappear. Thank you to everyone who still stands behind us, it means so much.
This is me and my nephew Noah :)