Some days I feel like I'm on the right path, like things in the world make sense. And even though I had to endure something I never, in my wildest nightmares, thought would happen to me, I'm a better person because of it. Then other days, I could crumble. I feel helpless and hopeless. Like this wasn't in the stars for me but I did something to deserve it or I went astray on my straight and narrow path. I know in my heart that nobody truly deserves to lose a child, but it's part of the process, I think. I have to go through those feelings a few times before I move past them.
Friday was me and Jim's 4th anniversary...another bittersweet occasion. Until August 24, we planned on this being our first anniversary with a child. Nevertheless, it was nice to have a reason to celebrate and actually feel like celebrating so we went to dinner. About 10-15 minutes before we left, someone came in with a baby (I didn't see it). The baby started crying almost immediately but since I wasn't facing it, I was fine and that usually doesn't bother me anyway. It did bring up some negative feelings about how this was supposed to be an anniversary spent with 2-week-old Tyler, but I kept it together...until...Jim said exactly what I was thinking, "You know, a baby crying doesn't even bother me anymore, I kinda like it," followed by a smile. And then there were tears...and lots of them. I was trying to ignore it, pretend I didn't hear it, pretend I didn't like hearing it. I cried the entire rest of the night and felt like poo the next day. Times like that make me reconsider having more children. I know I want them more than ever now, but I don't know if I can handle being pregnant again (and 9 months next time!), delivery, recovery, the feeling of holding a baby that is MINE again.
I hope everyone's 2010 is a great year...it has to be better than 2009 :)