And then yesterday. If I ever questioned whether Tyler's spirit came with us when we moved (I absolutely did), I had my answer yesterday. I had asked a friend (and her little girl who is 3, as of today!) to come over to bake cookies with Keira and I. It was a beautiful day and I either needed to get out of the house, or have some company. My house was clean, so I offered to host ;) I unlocked the door a few minutes before they got here so that if I was busy, I could just yell to come on it. After unlocking the front door, I went into the kitchen for something. As I was rounding the corner at the end of the peninsula, I SWEAR I heard footsteps behind me. They couldn't have been mine because I heard them when my feet were already on the floor, not as I was stepping. By the time I got to the sink, about 3 or 4 steps, I was thoroughly convinced that someone had somehow gotten into the house without me knowing through the unlocked front door and I was completely freaked out. My heart was racing as I slowly turned around, absolutely certain that there would be someone behind me. Remember when you were a kid, and you wouldn't get out of bed because you just knew that there was someone or something under the bed that was going to grab your legs and pull you under? Or how you would run upstairs from the basement after you turned the lights off? That is exactly how it felt. I didn't want to turn around because I was terrified of what I was going to see. I know it sounds crazy, especially because it was the middle of the day (we are talking noon!), but I turned around, searching for whatever I heard walking behind me. Nothing. Keira isn't walking (she was still asleep in her room anyway), the dogs were outside, I wasn't even wearing shoes (I normally wear flip flops in the house) so it couldn't have been an echo from my shoes. There was absolutely nothing. I brushed it off as me being a crazy, paranoid weirdo about leaving my front door unlocked. So my friend and her daughter (we will just call her S) came over and we sat at the table while Keira and S ate their lunch and my friend and I talked. S played with the dogs and Keira's toys, kind of entertaining herself, while my friend and I talked in the kitchen while I was getting the cookie dough ready. Out of nowhere, S walked into the kitchen and stood at the end of the peninsula and asked me where "the boy" was. I said, "'The boy'? What boy?"
She said, "Yours. Your little boy."
I kept asking her what she was talking about, gave her the "out" of telling her Copper is a boy (she loved him) and "correcting" her by telling her that Keira is a girl. I think I was so shocked because I knew she was talking about Tyler, but didn't want to believe it and then be disappointed if she wasn't. She kept at it, though. I kept saying, "I have a little girl, right there. Keira." She kept saying, "No, the little boy. Where is he?" or where did he go...something like that. When she stopped talking about it, nobody really said much for a minute then her mom said, "She kind of freaks people out sometimes." I said, "She was talking about Tyler, wasn't she?" She told me that at one point, S even said something like "the boy that died" or "the dead boy"...something to that effect. There is no doubt in my mind, Tyler had communicated with her in some way or she at least felt his presence. Needless to say, it ended up being a much more emotional day than I had planned for. The footsteps I heard, and S just happened to stop at the exact place I heard them as she was asking me where my dead son was... I don't care who you are or what you believe, there is NO WAY that was coincidence. My friend told me that later that night, S said something else. Something about "the boy" being in heaven. I know that no matter what I'm told, it will never be enough. I'll NEVER have enough of Tyler, or Keira for that matter...unless we die together. But I want more! I have seriously been a mess since this happened yesterday. I mean, as much as I want and try to see this as a good thing, that Tyler came with us to this house, it is really hard not to be sad. I miss him so damn much and it KILLS me to be so torn between loving and enjoying every second I have with Keira, knowing how precious and fragile my time with her is, and missing him like crazy. If I don't miss him enough, I have guilt. If I miss him too much, I have guilt. I thought I was in a really peaceful place in my grief, very accepting... but this has turned my world upside down in the last 24+ hours. I just cannot get that encounter out of my head. The sweet, innocent 3-year-old just asking an innocent question. She doesn't know that you're "not supposed" to talk about a person's dead child or that it might upset someone or that someone might think it odd or creepy to bring up that you saw him. I've dwelled on this for a whole day and I still just can't put my finger on this whole thing. I've cried more in the last 24 hours, than I have in a LONG time. Some tears of sadness, but also tears of relief. There were so many answers in this encounter, but it also opened some painful doors that I had shut tight and locked. I always get so jealous of those moms who have very obvious signs from their baby. Or they dream of their baby. Oh I SOOOO wish I had dreams of Tyler. I don't get creeped out by dreams. My brain is in a receptive state when I sleep. I can calmly dream about things that would freak me out if they happened in real life. I just want more...
Anyway, I'm babbling now. I just really wanted to share this experience because I'm baffled. I wanted to write last night, but I was in no shape to be typing coherently. Seriously, what would you think?
P.S. As I was typing about the conversation between me and S, Foxxy looked up and started growling, like she saw something. I swear, I don't make this shit up.