So to answer the question of why carry a child who won't survive?...Well, it just can't be described.
I have recently come in contact with another momma who had her Potter's baby almost 8 years ago. She joined my Potter's group on Babycenter because she is currently carrying to term her second baby with Potter's. SECOND. After her first angel, Wyatt, she and her husband went on to have 3 healthy girls and were looking forward to completing their family with one more. At her 19 week ultrasound, it was discovered that this baby also had classic Potter's Syndrome, Bilateral Renal Agenesis...same as Tyler. They were also told with Wyatt that it was a fluke. They had genetic testing to see if it was a chromosomal issue, both of mom's kidneys were checked, his cord blood was tested...nothing abnormal. So here she is, 8 years and 3 rainbows later, back to carrying a child knowing he or she would not be coming home with them. She started a blog after this baby was diagnosed and I just caught up on it today (she's been blogging nearly every day since the beginning of December). One of her blogs posts from January was the same title as this one. Coincidentally, I was texting a friend while reading the blogs. As I got to this particular post, my friend said, "...I would have been scared to get pregnant again." I responded by telling her that I absolutely was scared. Terrified actually. But after the deep pain, the rawness of my grief started to subside, I remembered the happiness, love and pride I felt while holding my first born. For awhile after he was born, I didn't cry. Just didn't have the urge to. I became a mommy and my baby was there in front of me crying and breathing. I knew that wouldn't last long, I knew he was going to die. I knew his breathing would slow, his body would slowly get colder and his heart would stop beating...but it didn't matter. In that moment, God had blessed me with the most beautiful human I had ever seen and showed me a love I had never felt, never even knew existed. As much as it still hurts to miss him, I love him just as much as I did in those moments following his birth (maybe even more...is that possible?). So even though it was hard being asked about the pregnancy and baby several times a day, feeling those bittersweet kicks and hiccups all day, the pain of the baby sitting directly on my aching hips and the heavy heart...I would do it all again in a heartbeat if I could just have another hour with that little boy. It was all worth it. I know I've said that a hundred times, but I can't stress it enough. The hardest part of that hospital stay was letting him go, knowing I'd never see my baby again. There are no words to describe the overwhelming emotional pain of carrying a child that you know will die, just as there are no words describing the love a mother has for her child/children. And there are no words to describe what it's like to say goodbye...forever.
So to answer the question of why carry a child who won't survive?...Well, it just can't be described.
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I've had several people ask me point-blank why I haven't written a new blog. To be honest, Thanksgiving and Christmas freaking sucked. I'm just now coming to terms with the fact that no matter how many "good" things happened during those holidays or how "thankful" I should be for this or that...it doesn't matter. My heart is big enough to have happiness AND sadness and I'm sick of trying to hide the sadness because of other people's expectations. Being pregnant again has been about as emotional as carrying Tyler after d-day. It's not "fun" or "exciting" and I'm not "expecting" to bring this baby home, either. Look what happened last time I "expected" a baby. I'm just tired of not being supported in my negative emotions right now. I don't care how uncomfortable it is for anyone else, I'm hormonal, emotional and SAD. As much as I want Keira to be healthy and make it here safe, why does she deserve it and not Tyler? What makes her life different from his that he couldn't stay? And why the hell can't anyone around me understand that my heart will ALWAYS hurt for him? Believe me, I wish I could "get over it" or that it would hurt less, but I don't get a choice. As much as I want this website and blog to be hopeful, it's not reality and I'd rather keep it real than blow smoke up someone's ass just because it's nicer that way. No matter what happens from here, I will say that it's worth it. Even if I go into labor tomorrow and Keira ends up in the NICU for months...it would all have been worth it because I love her just as much as I love Tyler. Even if she doesn't make it, it will all have been worth it...but I wouldn't do it again. There are only so many emotional beatings one person can take and I now know my limits. You know how people say that child number X "completes their family"? Must be nice to truly believe that. Must be nice to feel like your family isn't MISSING anything. I will NEVER have that. I will never feel like a certain number of living children complete my family. It's not fair. And right now, in this moment, I'm pissed about that. Instead of bouncing house to house during Thanksgiving and Christmas with a fake smile on my face, I wish I'd stayed home, where I'm closer to Tyler. I hate that this happened to me, to us. I hate that I'm always going to have this unique pain. Every triumph and happiness in my life will be clouded by the fact that my first born is not here. Why did my baby have to die? Why do I have to carry this burden for the rest of my life? From Thanksgiving until now is probably the lowest I've been since the first few months after Tyler died. I'm emotional, snappy, bitter and whole lot of angry. And if you're one of those people who has told me that I'm "ungrateful" or that I need to "just be happy"...shove it. When your first born is taken away from you and you have to LIVE YOUR LIFE without them for a whole year, THEN you can pass judgment. But until that happens, and I hope it never does, keep your trap shut. People who have never lost a child will never understand the emotional turmoil I have to live with every day of my life. It's so true what they say about how a million compliments are forgotten because that one negative comment will stick with you. It wouldn't surprise me not to get a single comment on this blog, and I'm totally fine with that. But after a few close friends asking why I haven't posted...well, girls, this is why. This is all I have to say. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm uncomfortable with this whole "be happy because you are going to have a baby" thing. But those loss mommas who "get" this whole post, I really hope it doesn't make YOU sad because I know how much you care. I appreciate your concern from the bottom of my heart. To Meghan, I want to congratulate you on your rainbow pregnancy...you have waited TOO long for this and I couldn't be happier for you and Kyle. To Carrie, I want to congratulate you on bringing your rainbow baby HOME!!! A journey that started so long ago and now she has the most beautiful, healthy (and CHUBBY!!!!) little guy a girl could ask for. One of my besties from home, Jessica, sent these on Tyler's birthday. Don't mind all the crap in the background...I just happened to have great lighting right there for the picture. Jess, I can't tell you how much it means to me that you remembered and acknowledged Tyler on his birthday. My new BLM friend, Meredith, released balloons on Tyler's birthday. Thank you so much, Meredith! (Sorry about showing off her car! But it was the best one to show all of the balloons because it was windy that day :) I need to take a picture of Tyler's bear, don't I? :) I haven't taken one yet, but when I do I'll be sure to put it with this post.
As far as confessions...*sigh* October was rough. There are a million and one reasons why, and I don't really want to relive them all here, but it just was. The beginning of November hasn't been much better. I've done very well in the last year about not dwelling on the milestones Tyler would have been accomplishing, but I've taken a few steps back. The interaction, how much he'd be moving around (if not WALKING!), his personality...and his first birthday party. A friend of mine made a very good point about anniversary dates. Why does the 26th of every month sting a little more than any other day? Why was Thursday, August 26 especially painful? Why have I been dreading November and Thanksgiving for months? Because when those dates mark a positive experience, they are celebrated. If there wasn't so much emphasis on DATES, the sad ones wouldn't be as hard either. Regardless, they just are. So what do you do for a death? You certainly don't throw a party. "Come on over and have some cake and ice cream while we celebrate the DEATH of my child!" Uh, no. So again, it all comes back to what I'm missing out on. A child turning 1 year old is such an amazing thing! How different they are from just 1 year earlier. How different they'll be in another year. But I'm stuck. My "baby" will stay that way forever but I don't get to HAVE him here. I have a feeling that no matter how many children I have, I'll always consider him "my baby". Which brings me to my next confession. Tyler is officially a big brother. His little sister Keira Brielle is due the end of March. This pregnancy has gone very much the same as Tyler's had up to this point. Very little nausea (although it lasted longer this time), food cravings and aversions have been similar, weight gain (and loss) is about the same as well. But almost 2 weeks ago we had the "big" ultrasound - the anatomy scan. That ultrasound was where we found out that Tyler had Potter's. That our first child would not be coming home at the end of the pregnancy. Our hello would very shortly be followed by goodbye. And I'm relieved to say that this little girl is 100% healthy according to that ultrasound. We're praying we can bring her home. I'd still rather not have announcements all over Facebook, but I feel like Tyler is so much a part of Keira's story that I need to share this news here. Please keep all of us in your thoughts and prayers, we could use all that we can get. Do you guys remember back in MAY, I took the little teddy bear to a seamstress to have them put a pouch and zipper in the back so I could put Tyler's urn in it? They FINALLY finished it and I got to pick it up yesterday! And this time, the urn actually fits! I have to say, if I had known it would take 5 months, I would have either done it myself or taken it elsewhere. As disappointing it was to wait that long, I'm glad I have it and it's the way it's supposed to be. I put the bear's little sweater back on (it says "Tyler's Teddy" - so cute!) and you can't even see the zipper :)
Tyler's birthday is in less than a month and I still am not sure how to feel about it. Part of me wants to celebrate his life, the other part wants to lock myself in my bedroom and turn off my phone. I'm just not even sure what to say at this point. I feel like I've come such a long way, yet the pain is always lingering (which I know it always will). If you all could say a little prayer for my friend, Carrie, on Sunday it would be much appreciated. It's her angel, Kailee's, first birthday (yes, we both had holiday babies last year!) and I know it will be so hard on her and her husband. I took this while we were at the Royal Gorge. There was also a November 26 birthday key chain, but I couldn't find it when I went to take a picture :( I'm still in Colorado and got to meet up with another mommy who carried to term. Her angel had Triploidy and was born in February. It was so nice to talk to someone who has been in those low places that I've been. I felt like I didn't have to hold back when talking to her...and to be talking to her face-to-face!!! It was just amazing! We went on a hike and she made curry chicken salad to take with us for lunch (shoot, I forgot to snag that recipe!). I have a few more name gallery pictures to post and one of them are from a hike Megan and her husband made awhile ago where she wrote names of angels on these beautiful, smooth rocks and took pictures of them in/near this little waterfall (close to where her and I hiked). As a mother who has lost a child, she understands how wonderful it is to have your child remembered and to see their name. We had 2 more angel rocks to take pictures of and a "Happy Birthday, angel" rock for the creator of our "Carrying to Term" group on Babycenter. So it was nice to be a part of such an amazing thing that she had done (and continues to do). When we got back to her house, we lost track of time and chatted too long...LOL...so I got to meet her sweet husband also! It was such a great day for me and I hope it was for her, too. As today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness, I do have to bring up a negative aspect in this blog. I feel like I've overcome most the bitterness and anger (not all, I will admit) but there are things that will never sit well with me. I do realize that the people who say dumb things probably won't read this blog (if they did, they would care enough about me to think about things before they say them...). Talking about death and/or babies is completely fine with me. They are facts of life that are real and I don't see anything wrong with talking about them. BUT if you have a very strong opinion about those 2 subjects together...DO NOT speak to me about it. You can tell anyone else about your opinions, but not to a grieving mother...and just for the record - I will forever grieve the loss of my son. I don't expect anyone who's never been through it to understand. Not only is that irrational, but impossible. You only ever THINK you can TRY to imagine, but it's 100 times worse than your worst nightmare...I promise. I'd never wish what I've been through on my worst enemy, but I wish I could bottle the "after" feeling and let people open it once in awhile to catch a glimpse of the pain I go through on a daily basis. It's not near as intense as it used to be, but it's still there and I still feel a sharp jab whenever I hear Tyler's name or hear an ignorant comment. If you're reading this and you care for me IN THE LEAST, please be gentle on my heart and think about the subject you're discussing with me. I'm not saying you can't speak to me about Tyler, quite the opposite....ASK me about him. I want to tell you about him and I need to talk about him, but I'm not the one to preach to about your moral or ethical opinions because, quite frankly, I don't care. If you accomplish nothing more than to upset me, does that make you feel powerful? That you made sure your opinion was heard? To those that have been here for me, read every blog, let me cry on your shoulder, didn't judge me when I got upset when holding your baby or just let me talk for hours about my pregnancy and Tyler: Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You will never know how much you helped in my healing.
Our ultimate goal, since deciding to have children, has always been for me to stay home with them eventually. That feeling has never been so strong than at this point. I wasn't ready to go back to work in January (after maternity leave), but I wasn't ever going to be. If I could have stayed in bed for the rest of my life, I probably would have. That's a mixture of post-partum depression and losing your reason to live life and pursue happiness. BUT, going back to work was good for me (and for other women suffering loss) because I needed to be slapped in the face with reality. The rest of the world wasn't going to stand still because Brittany Clark in Illinois lost her son. I, on the other hand, had no choice but to be consumed by it. If I didn't embrace and allow myself to feel the way I needed to feel in those moments...when would that grief come out? So even though it was good for me to go back to work, it's not where I want to be now. My last day is October 2. The past year has changed my focus and I just want to take care of my family, plan for our future and learn to cook more than hamburger helper! (Ok, I can cook more than that...but not much!) I'll miss most of my clients and my coworkers, for sure, but I feel like this is the best for me and I'll never know for sure unless I try. So wish me luck!
I can have a fantastic day and an extremely sad day all in one...that's amazing to me. I'm really sad right at this moment. I just thought I'd type this quick blog just to say that because it's real. I was happier than a pig in poo earlier today and now I'm just sad. Looking at Tyler's pictures, I mean REALLY looking at them, really makes me sad. I never knew I could love someone in such a way and I'm sad that I can't show him that love everyday. I'm sad that I can't tell him when he's an adult how much I love him. I have so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to, but that doesn't ease the pain right now. In this moment, I'm terribly sad.
A LOT, that's for sure. Complete strangers have come to my rescue. When I'm at my lowest, all I want is for someone to say, "Brittany, I know what you're going through because I've been there." Let's be honest, there are very few people who can do that. I have 3 very close friends who have carried to term their babies who, like Tyler, had a fatal prenatal diagnosis...2 of them being Potter's. Each one of them has shown me a different way to deal, to grieve and to overcome. None of us are at the same stage of grief, but we all share that bond...and none of us has met in person. THESE are the women I've gone to when I just need to let things out. When something is bothering me beyond words, and seemingly has nothing to do with Tyler or my heartache over missing him, they are there for me and share their own similar experiences so I don't feel alone. We all have this overwhelming need to make sure others don't ever feel alone because we know that feeling all too well and it's not a place we'd like anyone else to visit. I'll venture to say that there is absolutely nothing in the world more lonely than being in a hospital bed with empty arms after delivering your baby, seeing him, holding him, kissing him and then letting him go against your will. I don't care how creepy it sounds, I would have held his lifeless body for the rest of my life if it meant I could be close to him forever. People say this life isn't long enough and I understand where they come from, but it's so long when you miss someone so much that all you want to do is die so you can be with them. Don't worry, I'm not getting suicidal or anything...it's just a really hard thing to comprehend. As I'm typing this, this is the first time I've cried in about a month because of just missing Tyler. Don't get me wrong, when tears come, there is always some Tyler in there but right now it's only him. There are a million things going on in my life right now that could warrant some tears, but they really don't matter. In this moment, I'm a mother who is missing my son more than anything in the world. I know that he is supposed to be in heaven and no matter how much I miss him, that doesn't make Earth any better a place for him. I'm completely rambling....and this entry is getting long...
Other things grief has taught me....priorities. Often, I find myself getting frustrated with either myself or other people (mostly other people) about priorities. For a lot of people (myself included at times), it's easy to focus on something trivial and not see the big picture. I have a much better understanding of what matters in life now. Yes, we live in a tiny house, in a town we don't really like, drive used vehicles and don't vacation every year...we do this because we have a bigger goal in mind and are willing to sacrifice for things like a comfortable house with no mortgage, reliable vehicles so our children are safe and the option for them to go to good, private schools to get the best education we can provide. Sounds better than that new car with payments equivalent to a mortgage, huh? Obviously, these are material things, but use your imagination and apply the same idea to emotional issues. I feel like I just don't have time for petty things anymore and the world is FULL of petty. I don't remember if I've blogged about it in the past, but this has bothered me since having Tyler...the petty. I don't have time in my day or energy in my heart for it. One of my best friends lost her dad before she even graduated high school, a boy I went to school with lost his mom when he was 15 years old, another friend is on her fourth pregnancy with hopes that she might actually be able to bring this one home and raise him...so when people want to complain to me because someone forgot to call them back about going to lunch, I have a hard time listening. Again, this started shortly after I had Tyler. While I was pregnant, it was tolerable but annoying. Unfortunately, it's often the people you'd last expect it from. I've learned how to love deeper. I've always loved and respected Jim, but we have truly seen the deepest parts of each other. Until Tyler, I'd never seen him lose a loved one. I've never been to a visitation or funeral for his family. He, on the other hand, has seen me lose all 3 of my grandmothers. He knows me during loss. The day we got Tyler's diagnosis, our world flipped end over end. I didn't have the strength to comfort him and he didn't have the strength to comfort me. We hardly spoke all the way home. What do you even say? How are you supposed to react? What's the right thing to do? We learned so much about each other that week. For anyone reading who hasn't actually been through the worst part yet, it's hard...it's really really hard. Men and women are so different in every aspect of the word. We deal with stress differently, anxiety, happiness, excitement and grief. In dealing with your own feelings, you can't understand where your spouse is coming from but remember, they can't understand your feelings completely either. We didn't know what to say to each other for a long time. I wasn't going to say anything that he wasn't thinking and vice versa. We were both sad. We have different triggers. Jim gets really sad looking at the scrapbook I made...I get sad when I allow myself to imagine how different our lives would be if he were here (which happens A LOT). I try not to let my mind wander, but think about what a 9 month old does...there's so much to dream about. We have a stronger bond, much deeper, after losing Tyler. When we got together, we were separate people who blended. No matter how blended you are, there is still so much of your individual self. We were broken down to pieces, mere shadows of our former selves, but we were rebuilt as one...he and Tyler are as much a part of me now as I am myself. I haven't blogged in over a month because I'm just overwhelmed. There are so many things going through my mind, so much I want to say. Part of me wants to just vent here, but I know I can't be too honest because of who reads this...or who might read. The whole month of August has been crazy and emotional. I'll get it sorted out and write more soon!
Last month, I had the lowest number of views on this site that I'd had in over a week (I think it was closer to all month!). Yesterday, there were 38 views...how sad. Today...248!!! Whoever is still reading-THANK YOU. This has been the one place I never feel guilty or think twice about talking about Tyler. I can't show him off like everyone else gets to show their kids off. I can't update people on what he's doing, or what developmental stage he's at. All I have is a memory and if you're still reading, you're keeping that memory alive and I love you for it. It's amazing to look back at my first blog...if you don't remember, go back and read it. That was probably my deepest low. I felt like I was desperately grasping at something that wasn't there. Like I had lost my damn mind! If I hadn't just had a c-section, I probably would have gone out for a long run. I used to do that in high school when I was pissed. I'd throw on my running shoes and go...before I knew it, I was a mile and half away from the house and exhausted. I felt like I solved the world's problems in those runs. I needed that escape that night...that morning at 3 a.m. But running isn't going to make my heart hurt any less and sure as hell won't make Tyler come back. A good run doesn't solve everything.
4 months from now will be a whole year. At 4 months after having Tyler, I BAWLED at the thought of having more children. I didn't think I'd want to ever try again. I couldn't...DIDN'T want to imagine carrying a child for 9 months of agonizing uncertainty. Now, 4 months until his birthday, I smile at the thought of making him a big brother. The world didn't stop turning just because we lost Tyler and I wanted time to stop. The plan has always been that we would have to let him go, we just didn't know it until August 24, 2009, 11 months ago. I've been through many chapters of my life in this short year...I hope the next ones are a little easier on my heart. But I have high hopes. |
Brittany ClarkI'm blogging in hopes of reaching out to other parents who have to face the most heartbreaking experience in life. Archives
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