Anyway, to those of you wondering... Yes, I'd love to write a book. I would love for every woman who finds herself in the "Devastating News" section of this site, to feel like they are NOT alone and they CAN get through this. I want more women to see that there ARE choices and carrying to term really isn't as bad as people make it out to be. Sometimes the hardest experiences in life build the most character. I wouldn't wish the loss of a child on my worst enemy, but I can't say that I regret the person I've become through this experience. I wouldn't have known that I wanted a baby, to be a mommy, so much. I better understand the concept of death and what it means to lose someone you love more than life itself. I think I've always been a pretty tolerant person, understanding...but now I KNOW that I am :) You wouldn't believe some of the ridiculous things strangers/acquaintances said to me while I was pregnant. But instead of telling them what I really thought, I bit my tongue and just thanked the Lord that they have obviously never been in my shoes. I've grown so much as a person, and I am proud of who I've become but, of course, I just wish I didn't have to lose my son to get there. This is why I'm always saying that I have SO MUCH to be thankful for.
This blog may seem like a rambling jumbled mess, but bear with me! I'm watching Julie & Julia which inspired me to write another one. haha This movie also reminds me- SO many people have told me that I should write a book. I've always loved to write (my Sophomore English teacher can vouch for me!), but I never thought in a million years that I would have something to write ABOUT. Julie also wanted to be a writer (and started a novel), but never finished anything until she challenged herself to cook her way through Julia Child's cookbook in one year. She blogged about the entire experience, good and bad, then wrote a book....hence "Julie & Julia" was born!
Anyway, to those of you wondering... Yes, I'd love to write a book. I would love for every woman who finds herself in the "Devastating News" section of this site, to feel like they are NOT alone and they CAN get through this. I want more women to see that there ARE choices and carrying to term really isn't as bad as people make it out to be. Sometimes the hardest experiences in life build the most character. I wouldn't wish the loss of a child on my worst enemy, but I can't say that I regret the person I've become through this experience. I wouldn't have known that I wanted a baby, to be a mommy, so much. I better understand the concept of death and what it means to lose someone you love more than life itself. I think I've always been a pretty tolerant person, understanding...but now I KNOW that I am :) You wouldn't believe some of the ridiculous things strangers/acquaintances said to me while I was pregnant. But instead of telling them what I really thought, I bit my tongue and just thanked the Lord that they have obviously never been in my shoes. I've grown so much as a person, and I am proud of who I've become but, of course, I just wish I didn't have to lose my son to get there. This is why I'm always saying that I have SO MUCH to be thankful for.
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I'm not tired. I have no desire to sleep. The song "I Will Carry You" by Selah keeps playing over and over in my head. As hard as it was the last few weeks before I had Tyler, I want to be pregnant with him again. I miss him and if I can't hold him in my arms, I want to still be pregnant with him so I can feel him hiccup and squirm. I ache, physically and my stomach is constantly upset. Not the real/flu kind of upset, the anxious/nervous/uneasy kind of upset. That's the best way I can describe it. It just sucks to know that anyone else has felt this feeling. At times it's comforting to know I'm not alone but right now, I'd rather be the only person in the world that feels this. I wish that because this happened in our lives, it would spare someone else....EVERYONE else. I hate that more women will go through this. I hate that a doctor is going to say to another woman that her baby has a condition that is "incompatible with life". I don't want to cry anymore, I'm so sick of crying. But here I am, after 3 a.m. I'm sitting here sobbing, trying to make sense of my thoughts. I'm tired of being "strong", I don't feel strong. I'm a mess and I feel cheated. Tyler was never "mine" to begin with. He was and always has been God's, but that doesn't make it any easier.
On a different note: Jim got Tyler's name and birthday tattooed by his tribal stuff on his right arm. I'll post a pic soon (if he lets me-lol). While he was in the back room getting the tat, I was sitting on couch in the waiting area and one of the other guys there asked me the significance of the name and date (duh). So there it was. The first time I would have to address Tyler to a complete stranger. I took a deep breath and told him. It wasn't exactly easy, but it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. He said, "I'm really sorry to hear that." I told him that we knew, we found out in August... "And the doctors suggested you terminate and you told 'em to go to hell, didn't you?" Turns out, he lost his daughter in 2000 after she was diagnosed with a fatal condition. He and his wife carried to term with the same result. Part of me is thankful that the first person I told also knows what we're going through and another part of me hurts so much to know that he felt the same pain. |
Brittany ClarkI'm blogging in hopes of reaching out to other parents who have to face the most heartbreaking experience in life. Archives
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