Last week was horrible. There wasn't 1 event that made it horrible and I can't even pinpoint 5 events that made it horrible...it just was. I have been going back to "angry". I thought I was over that part, but it has come back to haunt me. In the mail, I got a teddy bear wearing a little sweater that said "Tyler's Teddy" from a dear friend back home and it was absolutely what I needed. As most of you know, I was looking for a bear to put Tyler's urn inside of and just couldn't find the perfect one. When I opened this (with Jim), we both thought it would be perfect. All I had to do was take it somewhere to have them sew a zipper and a little pouch into. Last week, I went to a little shop that does embroidery, tailoring, etc. to have it done and the woman working told me they couldn't do that. I know it may sound silly, but I was pissed. Furious, actually. I was having a slow day anyway because a foil didn't show up so I was sitting for 2 hours, then thought since I had down time I would take the bear into this place to have this done. The lady working the counter didn't seem to know what the heck she was doing with the previous client and had me waiting quite awhile while she tried to figure it out. After telling me they couldn't do it, I left the store. I sat in my car holding back tears because I was so frustrated. My week wasn't going the best anyway and now I receive the perfect teddy bear for Tyler and I can't get this done. I was ready to call the next day and when the same lady answered and asked if she could help me, I would say, "Who is this? Oh, nevermind then," just to be a brat. Really, Brittany? Am I 12 years old? I never did, but I've been salty about it since it happened. Guess whose daughter called and made an appointment for her mom with me for today. Yep. I HAD to be nice to her now. Irony at its finest, I'd say. I truly believe God put her in my chair. I'm not much into "blaming" or giving credit to God for every little thing that happens in my life, but I think he's trying to teach me something here. I think today was his way of slapping my hand and saying, "Shame on you," for acting like a brat and plotting (if only in my head) being vengeful.
I'm not going to list them all, but my week was that story repeatedly. I had one of those weeks where I felt like I was on the verge of tears every day. International Babylost Mother's Day was Sunday and it was nice to have so many people comment on my facebook and seeing my other loss mommas honoring and "celebrating" our special kind of Mother's Day. But, as always, it was also bittersweet because it's not "real" Mother's Day. I only got to be Tyler's mother for 35 weeks, 5 days, 1 hour and 15 minutes. I know, I know...I'll "always be his mommy" and blah blah blah...honestly, it's not a day to celebrate to me. I don't feel like celebrating the worst experience of my life. Yes, it is BY FAR the best thing, also...but it doesn't feel that way right now. I would compare it physically to losing a limb to save another person. OF COURSE you don't regret saving that person's life if all you lost was a limb...it doesn't mean you don't miss that part of you, though. That's the best way I could describe it, I guess. Except nothing I did or could do would save his life. I don't think I would miss a limb if I could have changed the outcome.